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I chalked up the cause of conversation to either people taking notice of the fact that I don’t wear very much makeup or to my taking notice of their having taken notice.

The comments sometimes appear as compound questions like, “you could be cute but why don’t you wear makeup? As recently as last week, I’ve been called an ugly whore (not so far off from “as fuck”) which seems really inconsistent with the Man Repeller ethos seeing as we don’t typically sell bodies — we sell ideas. But have I started to notice the criticism because of that website founder?

I also read somewhere that if you sleep with mascara on your lashes they are 70% more likely to fall out so as far as I’m concerned, maintaining real lashes that aren’t quite as plump as they can be is ten times more compelling than having none at all. I have accepted the reflection that reliably bounces back at me for its perks and its flaws.

More important than that though, I am comfortable with how I look. I understand that there are thick, dark circles under my eyes. I have noticed that my nose grows a little hookier on a near-monthly basis. I know there are wrinkles ready to stake their claim as full time residents on my forehead any moment now. My eyes will never be blue, my bone structure will never allow for you to mistake me for a Scandinavian model.

It all started when the founder of a website, who I had just recently met, cc’ed me on an e-mail correspondence with his assistant.

He was trying to introduce us and in doing so, made the mistake of not deleting their previous conversation thread.

already pumping through his veins, he found himself fixing to inject 40 more. Rather like beer’s evil twin: stronger, meaner, more metallic.

In this murky yellow light, with his soft blond mane, wet blue eyes, and big anaphylactic cheeks, he looked like something you’d find trapped in an exotic aquarium: a startled pufferfish, perhaps. It was a challenge that this guy Bruz40 had started a while back, making 10-minute videos and then posting them to You Tube, so other malt liquor drinkers could watch and leave comments.

I scrolled down and noticed that he’d confirmed to her that I was “verrrrrrrry funny. But as I kept reading, there it was.“She is ugly as fuck tho. And that was the chaser for a descriptive clause that pegged me not just smart but funny, which had to mean looking at my face for the course of our 30 minute conversation was as painful as say, getting a colonoscopy without the preliminary anesthesia.

Truly a man repeller.”My initial reaction was to laugh — chiefly because it seemed incredibly unusual if not highly offensive that he would describe a fellow woman to his female assistant as “ugly as fuck.”But then I got emotional. A few months prior to this I noticed that the details of my makeup regimen (or lack thereof) had become something of a hot topic on the Man Repeller Instagram feed.

A couple of the guys, like Bruz, had wives, and they sometimes got their wives to hold the camera while they swilled the swill. He got his wife to stand around in his garage with him and sip these cute little hand grenade-shaped bottles of Mickey’s while he drank the big ones. Brezz, once had his wife record him while he chugged a 40 behind the wheel of his Cutlass in the parking lot of the local Bar-B-Cuties. Troy liked videos that were filmed in creative locales. Forum, much consideration was given to, as they called it, one’s “styles.” It was considered good styles if you showed yourself cracking the cap, and very good styles if you cracked it and threw it at the camera, and even better styles if you cracked it with your teeth and threw it at the camera, but bad styles if you puked, or wussed out on something you said you were going to do like beer bong a 40, or throw a television off a roof.

It was considered especially bad styles to drink in silence, or always in the same room, or in any other manner that might be construed as lonely or lame.

He hated the radio, except for The Alex Jones Show and the occasional song by George Strait or Project Pat.

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